Rants and Reviews

Why do we keep expecting Star Wars films to be good?

Spoilers abound

  • Okay hear me out, what if everyone had a character arc
  • What if anyone had a character arc
  • Please don’t do that to Carrie Fisher, she deserves better
  • Don’t decide that Rey’s a Palpatine in the last film of the trilogy, actually foreshadow this shit (I mean don’t do it at ALL you’re not gonna top the Vader reveal, her parents being nobodies was fine and way less dumb) also jesus have that snake healing scene in like, film one, for fuck’s sakes something as major as force healing shouldn’t have been in film 3
  • At least we know why Rey has a British accent – it’s a genetically linked trait to being Evil
  • Plot doctor: Finn escapes the First Order when things get scary, yes, good, fine, then wants to escape the Rebellion when things get scary there too, yes, good. Then he faces his fear by re-embedding himself as a stormtrooper and leading a secret storm trooper uprising, and then in like the final battle, a whole bunch of star destroyers turn on the others and it’s super awesome.
  • Plot doctor: or hey, having thoroughly established that Storm Troopers are unwilling conscripts and child soldiers and many have consciences and the willingness to insurrect, the Rebellion stops killing them en masse and with impunity and instead leads an effort to turn and recruit them, and at the very least the reformed Storm Troopers amongst the Rebellion show some reluctance to slaughter their former comrades and friends without a flicker of hesitation
  • Can someone explain to me the point of traffic cone droid? No? Just a marketing ploy for the toy companies ahead of Christmas? Ok.
  • Don’t have a film where the end hinges on no one in the galaxy caring enough to help the Rebellion and then do one where it hinges on everyone actually totally caring oh my god
  • Nothing like a twitchy finger on the resurrection button to erase all stakes, yes I’m looking at you hyperactive force ghosts too
  • While we’re at it, since when can force ghosts do everything from grabbing lightsabers to yanking planes out of their butts? If they’re this capable, why should we care when anyone dies? We can just have a catch with them next movie
  • Make Finn and Poe kiss
  • DON’T make Rey and Kylo kiss
  • Make Finn, Rey and Poe friends who interact beyond exchanging bland one-liners and yelling each other’s names occasionally
  • That bit at the end where they hugged and Oscar Isaac cupped the back of John Boyega’s head with a lover’s touch, more of that
  • Wow, Rose got done dirty
  • Seriously, she had about as much screentime as Dominic Monaghan
  • Did Lupita Nyong’o’s character have a job other than standing there and telegraphing when various Skywalkers kicked it? And does anyone know what kind of pay that makes?
  • Is it more awful that literally none of his friends cared about C3PO’s heroic sacrifice, or that it was instantly undone with zero fanfare?
  • Plot doctor: Kylo isn’t evil in the first film, he’s training to be a Jedi, but despite his awesome lineage he sucks at it, just a refrigerator-sized force dunce and Luke, Leia and Han are really embarrassed. And then when Rey shows up she’s naturally better than him at everything, so he starts to turn to the dark side for the easy power it promises that will help him live up to what he sees as his potential and its a metaphor for entitled millennials becoming neo-Nazis
  • Someone should get their hand cut off, is it really a Star Wars film if this doesn’t happen?
  • Phasma actually does something at some point, just like one thing or what was she even there for
  • At least Kylo Ren had the goddamn decency to evaporate immediately after that kiss, like I wanted to
  • can you believe the Snoke clones (snoclones) were a real thing?

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